Tag Archives: creature feature

Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

Jason Statham versus megalodons and other aquatic monsters! Yay!
Jason Statham versus megalodons and other aquatic monsters! Yay!

Starring Jason Statham, Wu Jing, Shuya Sophia Cai, Cliff Curtis, Page Kennedy, Sergio Peris-Mencheta and Skyler Samuels. Written by Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber and Dean Georgaris. Directed by Ben Wheatley.
Apelles Entertainment/China Media Capital/Flagship Entertainment Group/Gravity Pictures

Jonas and his daughter, Meiying
Jonas and his daughter, Meiying

Jonas Taylor (Statham), when he’s not doing eco-warrior stuff like exposing illegal radioactive waste dumping, is a committed single parent dad, who tells his daughter Meiying (Cai) that she can’t go on the upcoming submersible exploration of the prehistoric world that exists at the bottom of the nearby deep sea trench. Meiying stows away on one of the two mini subs anyway, so Jonas must do his best to keep her alive after their submersibles are put out of action by explosions triggered by an illegal mining operation overseen by a villain called Montes (Peris-Mencheta). 

Zhang
Wu Jing plays Zhang, Jonas’ brother-in-law

Jonas, his brother-in-law Zhang (played in a no-nonsense manner by Wu Jing), Meiying and the other sub survivors must now leave their wrecked craft and trudge across the ocean floor to seek a means of escape within the mining operation’s undersea base. This portion of the film is really enjoyable, with the scriptwriters throwing a lot of obstacles in the way of the characters, forcing them to exit their smashed-up subs after it’s disclosed that their backup rescue sub has been sabotaged by unknown betrayers, leaving them with no option but to don reinforced diving suits and start walking through a bioluminescent zone in the hope that the brightness will hide their helmet beams from the enormous megalodons swimming above them. After encountering a toothy eel/lamprey and other denizens of the deep, they find themselves having to take a risky shortcut through a dark valley as their air runs perilously low. 

A megalodon fights a kraken!
A megalodon fights a kraken!

It’s then a race against time to get inside the secret base before prehistoric sharks or some equally prehistoric, toothy amphibious beasties get them! Even inside this base the threats continue, as Jonas has to battle the vicious Montes, water starts pouring into the place, and a supposedly friendly workmate at HQ jettisons escape capsules before the protagonists can use them to get to the surface. At one point Jonas even swims outside the base without a suit! One of the characters explains how it is possible for Jonas to do this (he has to expel all the air from his nostrils, etc), but I think the main reason Jonas can survive the powerful pressures at the bottom of the trench is because of one very important factor: he’s played by hardman Jason frickin’ Statham! 

At one point Statham kicks a giant shark in the face! Yes!
At one point Statham kicks a giant shark in the face! Yes!

As the story unfolds, MEG 2: THE TRENCH presents us with giant prehistoric sharks and other critters escaping into the upper ocean after explosions cause a breach in the cold water barrier that usually seals off the undersea lost world. The movie also mixes in armed merc bad guys, a semi-trained captive megalodon, and underhand characters who’re willing to kill their colleagues to cover up the fact they’re running a rare minerals mining set-up in the trench.

Toothsome amphibious salamander-critters are encountered in the trench, and they later reach the surface
Toothsome amphibious salamander-critters are encountered in the trench, and they later reach the surface

Many critics and viewers have mercilessly ripped into this movie, but I think it’s a really enjoyable, fun creature flick! Any movie that begins with a prologue set in the Cretaceous Period, showing a huge Tyrannosaurus Rex getting munched by a megalodon (okay, I know megalodons didn’t exist during the age of the dinosaurs, but so what?) is obviously letting viewers know that they need to sit back and enjoy the monster antics coming up!

The movie starts off in the Cretaceous Period, and why not?
The movie starts off in the Cretaceous Period, and why not?

Director Ben Wheatley, better known for off-kilter, sometimes quirky, sometimes psychedelic low budget horror pics like KILL LIST (2011), SIGHTSEERS (2012), A FIELD IN ENGLAND (2013), and IN THE EARTH (2021), here goes into full blockbuster mode, presenting us with a mega-enjoyable third act that sees the tourists at the holiday resort of Fun Island getting attacked by super-sized sharks, a huge octopus, and swarms of smaller amphibious predators! There’s a fun shot seen from the inside of a megalodon’s mouth as it chows down on hapless swimmers, and there’s a gag where a tentacle disrupts a waterside wedding!

Statham on a jet ski, chased by monster sharks!
Statham on a jet ski, chased by monster sharks!

As the likeable main characters deal with gun-toting killers as well as the berserk beasts, lots are exciting (sometimes verging on silly) incidents are thrown at the screen: Statham hurling homemade spear-bombs at the monsters as he pilots a jet ski! A megalodon-vs-kraken fight! Undulating tentacles assaulting a helicopter! And, best of all, Statham using a broken helicopter rotor blade to skewer a megalodon through its open maw! Sweet! 

Jonas lifts up a broken rotor blade...
Jonas lifts up a broken rotor blade…
...and he rams it through a megalodon's head! Sweet!
…and he rams it through a megalodon’s head! Sweet!

Don’t listen to the naysayers: just get a beer (or two), switch off your brain, and enjoy the on-screen antics! Colossal prehistoric sharks, a killer kraken, Statham being Statham, hordes of salamander monsters, and generous doses of action: what’s not to like?!

Watch out for all the tentacles!
Watch out for all the tentacles!

Creature of the Mist (2020)

Poster

Starring Luo Liqun, Cheng Qimeng, Li Bairong and Yang Ming. Directed by Lu Lei, written by Chen Chong and Lu Lei. Produced by Runze Guo and Hui Qian.

Fog envelopes the city
Fog envelopes the city

During the Tang Dynasty a mysterious fog envelopes the city of Chang’an… and within the mists looms a gigantic Lovecraftian monstrosity. And there are other, smaller beasts lurking inside the fog too! The Crown Prince (Qimeng) and his loyal protector, Xiao (Liqun), who are walking the city streets at the time, escape the spike-tipped tentacles that start lunging from the foggy skies by hiding out in the Chang’an Guesthouse, where others are also trapped, including a stern swordswoman, an old hunter, and a courtesan.

The massive main monster looms above the city of Chang'an
The massive main monster looms above the city of Chang’an

Some of the people within the guesthouse decide to sneak out to get weapons from a nearby blacksmith, and as they make their way along the deserted streets they can hear the grumbling, growling sounds of the mega-monster, noises that issue from all around them in the fog. But the group is assaulted by the mist monsters, the mission to the blacksmith is aborted, and the survivors are forced to continue to hunker down inside the guesthouse.

The spiked tentacle strikes!
A spiked tentacle strikes!
There a thicker tentacles that are equipped with mouthparts capable of swallowing victims whole
The giant fog monster possesses thicker tentacles that are equipped with mouthparts capable of swallowing victims whole

The plot includes a backstory concerning an ethnic group, referred to as Inhumans, who were blamed for an assassination attempt on the Emperor years ago, and are now seething with hate for the rulers. There are other characters who have varying views concerning the royal family too, both positive and negative, which the undercover Crown Prince finds fascinating.

The situation becomes very tense within the guesthouse
The situation becomes very tense within the guesthouse

Monster-wise, as well as the gargantuan central beast that looms above the streets, the movie includes lumpy-skinned, long-tailed, leopard-sized reptile creatures that can eject organic spine-projectiles.

A reptile critter on the prowl
Above: two shots of one of the reptile critters
Above: two shots of the reptile critters

There are also small, bat-winged critters with heads that can completely peel back, enabling them to envelope the faces of victims. The courtesan suffers such a fate, and she kills herself afterwards, rather than live with a ruined face.


A winged mini-monster's face peels open in a squid-like manner...
A winged mini-monster’s face peels open in a squid-like manner…
The courtesan's face gets mangled by a flying bat-beastie!
…and the flying bat-beastie then mangles the face of a hapless courtesan!

Just like the Chinese monster flick MUTANT TIGER (2022), this production is a mainland Chinese period-set creature feature that offsets its nothing-special CGI with decent production values, a stoic, solid lead performance, and a simple but interesting horror-fantasy plot. There are some interesting touches here and there, such as the nicely-handled sequence showing the courtesan doing a dance performance, which prompts Xiao to recall walking through the city before the fog came, passing by characters who will end up trapped in the guesthouse with him. The film’s quite brief running time still allows some space for a few dramatic showdowns, including the moment a vengeance-seeking Inhuman gangster releases a powerful incense designed to attract the ferocious foggy fiends to them, resulting, he hopes, in the Prince getting killed. When a boatman, a guesthouse attendant, and the steely swordswoman all die as they protect the Crown Prince from the attacking creatures, this deeply moves the Prince, and he vows to live on so that he can right all the wrongs of his royal predecessors and hopefully bring peace to the nation.

Poster
One of the smaller mist monsters is killed
One of the smaller mist monsters is killed

A detachment of golden-armoured royal warriors eventually arrive in the nick of time, dispensing stuff that, somehow, wards off the creatures. The humongous main monster, which has a bulky, blobby body held aloft by multiple tentacle-legs, retreats through the fog, away from the city. This movie, also known as CHANG’AN FOG MONSTER, is a contained monster-horror-fantasy yarn for the most part, set almost entirely inside the guesthouse, with the gigantic, spike-tentacled, mainly unseen boss beast treated both as a real threat and also as a kind of otherworldly symbol of the anger that has been inflamed by the perceived injustices perpetrated by those in power.

Just what is this humongous creature?
Just what is this humongous creature?

Hell Hole (2024)

Starring Toby Poser, John Adams and Anders Hove. Written by John Adams, Lulu Adams and Toby Poser. Directed by John Adams and Toby Poser. Produced by Matt Manjourides and Justin A. Martell.

'A hole new kind of hell'
‘A hole new kind of hell’
Tentacles erupt from the water!
Tentacles erupt from the water!

This flick begins with a large tentacle extending from a Napoleonic soldier’s arse! And why not, eh?!  Jumping to the present, a Napoleonic soldier’s (still-living) body is pulled from a fleshy cocoon in the muddy soil near a fracking operation, and a killer parasite begins to infect one victim after another.

Oh no! An arse-tentacle!
Oh no! An arse-tentacle!

We learn that the parasite-mollusc always chooses male victims because their sperm is needed to fertilise the egg of this creature, and little nuggets of extra information regarding the mollusc-thingy are revealed, keeping the plot kinda interesting, but the narrative drive is continually stalled by the filmmakers’ decision to constantly halt proceedings for yet another scene of characters standing around, chatting.

Yikes! It's a tentacled monster!
Yikes! It’s a tentacled monster!

The creature’s host-hopping activities lack the variety and impact of THE THING (1982), but the CGI is adequate, supplemented by quick cuts to a practical creature model. The critter itself, when it is seen clearly at the end, is a novel little squid-beast with an eye encircled by protruding teeth. 


Small tentacles sometimes poke from a victim's mouth...
Small tentacles sometimes poke from a victim’s mouth…
...and we get to see a mini-tentacle slither from someone's eye...
…and we get to see a mini-tentacle slither from someone’s eye…
...and sometimes tentacles protrude from various facial exit-points at the same time!
…and sometimes tentacles protrude from various facial exit-points at the same time!

HELL HOLE, made by the Adams Family – father John Adams, mother Toby Poser, and daughter Lulu Adams – is definitely a watchable film that really could’ve been better with a less repetitive plot.

Watch out for the squid-thingy!
Watch out for the squid-thingy!

But, hey, the movie earns a thumbs-up because it does include folks exploding and, of course, it features arse-tentacles too!

Bodies do explode in this film...
Bodies do explode in this film…

Damsel (2024)

Do not trust the royal family of the kingdom of Aurea...
Do not trust the royal family of the kingdom of Aurea…

Starring Millie Bobby Brown, Ray Winstone, Angela Bassett, Brooke Carter, Nick Robinson, Robin Wright and Milo Twomey.
Written by Dan Mazeau, directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, and produced by Jeff Kirschenbaum, Chris Castaldi, Jonathan Loughran, Morgan Bushe and Emily Wolfe.
Netflix, PCMA Management and Productions, Roth/Kirschenbaum Films

Elodie and her family should have stayed at home...
Elodie and her family should have stayed at home…

Elodie (Millie Bobby Brown), one of the daughters of Lord Bayford (Ray Winstone), becomes betrothed to Henry (Nick Robinson), the prince of the wealthy island kingdom of Aurea. Elodie agrees to the marriage initially because the riches being paid for this union will mean much needed money going to her father’s poor, needy land, but then Elodie finds herself actually starting to like Prince Henry, and it all seems too good to be true… and that’s because it is too good to be true! Henry’s elite royal family, headed by the imperious  Queen Isabelle (Robin Wright), intends to feed Elodie to a grudge-bearing dragon! 

Prince Henry seems like such a nice chap, but... he ain't!
Prince Henry seems like such a nice chap…
...but when Henry and the royal court dress up like this, then you know it ain't going to end well...
…but when Henry and the royal court dress up like this, then you know it ain’t going to end well…

Millie Bobby Brown is okay in the earlier scenes, which boast some luscious fantasy visuals of mountains, knights, royal courts and castles, but she gets far better, I think, once her character is put under duress in the subterranean cavern that Prince Henry has thrown her into.

This is a damn cool-looking fantasy film image!
This is a damn cool-looking fantasy film image!

The film as a whole becomes more immersive once we find ourselves in the cave system with Elodie, who must keep her wits about her as she attempts to stay out of the grasp of the dragon. The script benefits from an efficient forward momentum, with new plot developments keeping the story interesting, like the inclusion of the helpful messages (written by a previous sacrificial princess) that Elodie finds and uses to evade the fire-breathing beast. A cool touch is the discovery of glowing grubs, which are a neat way to provide the heroine (and us) with a light source. These grubs also have healing properties, which prove to be useful later in the tale. To keep the location from becoming samey, the cavern is subdivided into different zones, like a vertical tunnel lined with sharp crystals, a cave filled with stalactites & stalagmites, and so on.

A bioluminescent cave-grub creature!
A bioluminescent cave-grub creature!
A vertical cave shaft that is lined with sharp crystals
A vertical cave shaft that is lined with sharp crystals

There are a number of striking visual sequences in the movie, including a flock of burning birds seen whirring through the cavern, a shot of ice melting as dragon-breath blasts it from above, and a later shot of flames lighting up the sky over the dragon’s mountain domain, which looks especially fantastical.

Dragon flames illuminate the night sky...
Dragon flames illuminate the night sky…

The female dragon is a pretty fine creation. She has a sleek build, with a solidly-built, ridged neck. Her throat glows before she breaths lava-like flames, and she possesses a long, prehensile tail, a spike-festooned head, a neck covered in spines, and large wings. This dragon has a characterful face, looking a little bit like Draco from DRAGONHEART, and, just like Draco, she can speak. I am not usually a big fan of talking movie dragons, but the way this one speaks, with a female voice courtesy of Iranian actress Shohreh Aghdashloo, it works quite effectively. The dragon also has a legitimate reason to want revenge on humans…

A damsel-versus-dragon face-off!
A damsel-versus-dragon face-off!
The dragon's body-structure gives her something of an heraldic look
The dragon’s body-structure gives her something of a stylised, heraldic look

DAMSEL’s plot machinations sees Elodie’s younger sister Floria being chucked into the dragon’s lair (because Queen Isabelle realises Elodie has evaded the dragon), and it all becomes really quite thrilling as Elodie goes back into the danger zone to save her sis! Elodie finally tips the balance in her favour after she finds the chance to explain to the dragon that the vengeful beast has been lied to over the years with regard to the identities of the sacrificial princesses.

Many of the caves are large enough for the dragon to fly around in
Many of the caves are large enough for the dragon to fly around in
The dragon's flame-breath has a lava-like quality to it
The dragon’s flame-breath has a lava-like quality to it

Robin Wright is sufficiently dastardly as the queen of the island kingdom, Ray Winstone is all right as the father who finally attempts to do the right thing, Angela Bassett is good as the stepmother who smells a rat, and Millie Bobby Brown just gets better and better as the film progresses. She looks very striking as the burnt, bruised, ragged, dirty heroine who eventually finds a way to exact revenge on Queen Isabelle and her sneaky, ruthless clan…

Elodie becomes more battered and bruised as the story progresses, but she will get her revenge!
Poster

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

Mechagodzilla gif
I could watch this gif all day…

Starring Masaaki Daimon, Kazuya Aoyama, Reiko Tajima and Akihiko Hirata. Written by Jun Fukuda and Hiroyasu Yamaura. Directed by Jun Fukuda. Produced by Tomoyuki Tanaka.

Cool poster
Cool poster

Also known as GODZILLA VS. BIONIC MONSTER and GODZILLA VS. COSMIC MONSTER, this kaiju flick came out to celebrate Godzilla’s 20th anniversary.

This poster is ace!
This poster is ace!

The movie presents us with our massive reptilian hero tackling his mechanical doppelgänger: Mechagodzilla! This marvellous, monstrous machine is controlled by alien ape-beings who come from a planet orbiting a black hole! Failing to beat his robo-twin in combat on his own, Godzilla is assisted by dog-faced Okinawan god-monster King Caesar (aka King Seeser). Godzilla’s beastly buddy Angiurus returns, and is now capable of leaping at his foes, leading to a very physical fight with Mechagodzilla!

Above: three colourful kaiju pics!
Above: three colourful kaiju pics!

Mecha-G is definitely the stand-out element in this film, with the robo-beast firing rockets from its fingers, discharging lightning bolts from its chest, emitting colourful beams from its eyes, and creating whirling forcefields with its spinning metal head! Woot!

Mechagodzilla gif
Mechagodzilla and King Caesar gif

The fights in GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA are really enjoyable, full of multiple explosions and animated power beams. Even Mechagodzilla’s knees are lethal, as they are capable of firing projectiles at Godzilla and King Caesar! 

Godzilla and his robotic nemesis!
Godzilla and his robotic nemesis!

This film is fun, fun, fun! The ape-aliens look goofy, goofy, goofy! And Mechagodzilla is cool, cool, cool! No wonder the titanium terror went on to become one of Godzilla’s most popular foes.

Criterion Collection artwork for the movie

Rawhead Rex (1986)

Yikes! It's Rawhead Rex!
Yikes! It’s Rawhead Rex!

Starring David Dukes, Kelly Piper, Hugh O’Conor, Cora Venus Lunny, Ronan Wilmot, Niall Toibin, Niall O’Brien and Heinrich von Schellendorf. Written by Clive Barker. Directed by George Pavlou. Produced by Kevin Attew, Don Hawkins, David Collins, Al Burgess and Paul Gwynn. Alpine Pictures/Green Man Productions

4K Blu-ray cover
4K Blu-ray cover
There's something nasty lurking beneath this standing stone...
There’s something nasty lurking beneath this standing stone…

An American author, Howard Hallenbeck (Dukes), travels around Ireland with his family, doing research for his book focusing on the persistence of sacred sites. The Hallenbecks are staying in a small village, where Howard is checking out the local church’s intriguing stained glass panels, when an enraged, toothsome monster is released from beneath an ancient menhir.

The demonic creature depicted in the stained glass is no mere myth...
The demonic creature depicted in the stained glass is no mere myth…

This beast goes on the rampage, and one of the creature’s victims is Howard’s son, provoking the upset & angry author to seek out a way to destroy the monster, but there are those, including the church’s rector, Declan O’Brien, who regard the critter as a pagan god…

A dentist's nightmare!
A dentist’s nightmare!

RAWHEAD REX started life as a short story included in Volume Three of Clive Barker’s BOOKS OF BLOOD anthology series. The original story is set in Kent, and features a folkloric humanoid monster, a kind of raw-fleshed, ferocious personification of hyper-toxic-masculinity. This berserk, barbaric boogeyman devours innocent children and violates women, though the brutal man-beast has an aversion to pregnant females and those who are menstruating: they cause a sense of fear within the ancient, feral being. Barker wrote the screenplay for the film adaptation, but he was pretty dissatisfied with the way the movie eventually turned out, prompting him to direct the next movie version of one of his stories himself, that film being HELLRAISER (1987), based on Barker’s novella THE HELLBOUND HEART.

Artwork for the Arrow Video Blu-ray release

Okay, I can fully understand why Clive Barker felt let down by the cinematic representation of his original yarn. There was no way George Pavlou’s low budget flick was going to live up to the impactful, visceral tone and atmosphere of Barker’s source material. I really like that original story, it’s one of my favourite Barker tales. And yet…   

…I believe that this film is definitely in need of reappraisal!

Maybe this sounds like I’m damning the movie with faint praise when I say that the practical effects monster on show here is better than so much of the cheap CGI dross churned out over the last couple of decades, but I do mean this as a compliment. Sure, Rawhead Rex’s scowling face doesn’t have an awful lot of different facial expressions, but it’s still damn satisfying to see an actual creature suit being used, something that is really there, really in the scenes! I love the fact this beast-man is basically a big, leather-clad humanoid monster with a huge maw full of teeth!

It's Rawhead Rex!
It’s Rawhead Rex!

The special effects team had a frantic four week deadline to create the Rawhead Rex creature: a body suit, with an animatronic monster head for close-ups, brought the snarling monster to life in the movie. And, by god, it works just fine!

Roaring, rubbery wonderfulness!
Roaring, rubbery wonderfulness!

The film is not as transgressive as the short story, but it is enthusiastically gory, and there is a lot of fun/cool stuff to look out for, like the great shot of Rawhead standing on a hill holding aloft a severed head, his beastly breath illuminated as he exhales. And then there’s the attack on the caravan park: faces are slashed and boobs get revealed as the wild, primal creature runs amok! And let’s not forget the blasphemous baptism scene (taken from the original story), where Rawhead bathes the kneeling Declan O’Brien with its urine!

Rawhead rampages through a caravan park!
Rawhead rampages through a caravan park!
Irish coppers go up in flames!
Irish coppers go up in flames!

O’Brien tells his boss, Reverend Coot, that Rawhead Rex is a god, a deity that was here long before Christ: before civilisation, Rawhead was the king of this place. Later on, O’Brien utters a classic line as he forces Coot to meet the deadly Rawhead: “Get upstairs, fuckface, I can’t keep god waiting!”

gory scene!

The barechested, muscled Rawhead (played by Heinrich von Schellendorf) has glowing red eyes, which have the ability to overwhelm the minds of some victims (the creature doesn’t have this power in the original story). “For you!” Says a burning cop, who has become one of Rawhead’s acolytes, as he immolates his fellow officers!

Beware the glowing red eyes!
Beware the glowing red eyes!

Salvation is hidden within the church’s altar, in the form of a small, stone earth-goddess-style idol, which a woman must wield, leading to an optical FX-drenched showdown, as Howard’s wife Elaine (Piper) uses the idol to unleash supernatural forces to drive Rawhead back into the ground. This is a colourful, rousing fantasy-horror finale!

Time for some magic!
Time for some magic!

Honestly, I don’t believe RAWHEAD REX deserves the derision levelled at it from many critics. It is an unpretentious, cheesy-but-satisfying, 80s-tastic entertainment, a B-movie that makes sure its rampaging, rubbery, rockin’, rampant god-beast is given a lot of time on screen! And for that I respect it!  

A toothy titan of terror!
A toothy titan of terror!

Graveyard Shark (2024)

Stephanie Ward plays Abby the cryptid hunter
Stephanie Ward plays Abby the cryptid hunter

Starring Stephanie Ward, Michael John Gilbert, Berndele March, Ryan Santiago, Madisen Zabawa, Olivia Walton and Olga N. Bogdanova. Written and directed by Matthew A. Peters. Produced by Joe Cappelli, Avery Guerra, Ainslee Looman, Anthony Clark Pierce, Brandon Wheeler, Sifundo Nene and Brandon Wheeler.
Mad Angel Films 

poster

A toothy humanoid creature known as the Graveyard Shark is said to be responsible for the disappearances of various people in the backwater town of Willsboro Point. Abby Wescott (Ward), a wannabe cryptid hunter, is called in to uncover the bloody truth behind these events. Accompanied by her assistant Greg (Gilbert), Abby eventually teams-up with local oddball Captain Seyburn (March) and members of a Graveyard Shark survivors counselling group. Even though the local shades-wearing sheriff (Santiago) says that the Graveyard Shark is just some local folklore nonsense, the critter proves to be all too real when it bloodily attacks a busty, tattooed female deputy whilst she’s enjoying a sex session with her colleague near the latest crime scene! Abby and her allies finally face-off against the creature (one of the counselling group women actually gets it on with the brute!), and the identity of the person who has been secretly helping the blue-skinned beast is revealed…  

Graveyard Shark stalks through the foliage
Graveyard Shark stalks through the foliage
One of the characters strokes Graveyard Shark's abs...
One of the characters strokes Graveyard Shark’s abs…

GRAVEYARD SHARK is a movie that most definitely doesn’t take itself seriously. The folks behind this knew (I hope) what their limitations were, so they proceeded to deliver a film full of dumb humour, copious amounts of spraying blood, stupid dialogue, boobs and a big beast.

The hammer-headed mutant rips out a human heart!
The hammer-headed mutant rips out a human heart!

The film’s lighting and cinematography is on par with the general acting quality, which is to say that it’s all strictly amateur hour level. And yet… the filmmakers are obviously having fun, and this adds to the viewing experience. So, when we get the creature’s origin story, we can be sure that it will be a really stupid, stupid, stupid (but fun) origin story! You see, this muscled monster is the result of a union between eccentric loner Captain Seyburn… and a mermaid of colour that Seyburn encountered in a swamp! The whole backstory is explained to Abby as she sits with Seyburn in a diner. Seyburn describes, with the help of flashbacks, how he met a ‘fine-ass mermaid’ and they had comical intercourse which seemed to consist of Seyburn just grinding his groin against the underside of the mermaid’s tail. As Seyburn climaxes in his flashback, the film cuts to a shot of him in the diner, pouring melted butter all over a cooked lobster. Subtle this ain’t! 

Captain Seyburn (Berndele March) talks with Abby...
Captain Seyburn (Berndele March) talks with Abby…
...and he divulges what happened when he met a mermaid in a swamp
…and he divulges what happened when he met a mermaid in a swamp

Abby learns from Captain Seyburn that the mermaid had returned with a love child, asking him for money to raise their lil’ shark-headed nipper, but Seyburn killed the siren with a shovel instead, burying her and the baby in the cemetery. But, somehow, the tiny mutant shark had clung to life and now it dwells in the graveyard…

Don't trust this dude
Don’t trust this dude

This film really is a dumbass nonsense-fest, with such silly scenes as a dream sequence in which Abby gets high and romps in bed with a bigfoot, who is actually Greg in a costume. But I felt compelled to keep watching anyway, in large part because the movie’s titular monster is brought to the screen via the old school method of using a monster suit!

Graveyard Shark claims a victim!
Graveyard Shark claims a victim!

The Graveyard Shark creature has a buff, musclebound humanoid body that is topped with a toothy hammerhead shark face! I’m just a sucker for practical effects creatures, even when it is a cartoony, cheesy-but-cool costume like this one! This hammer-headed fishy freak, designed by Anthony Clark Pierce, is far preferable to the sub-par CGI effects seen in most low-price b-movies of a similar budget, that’s for sure.

This monster looks like he's been down the gym!
This monster looks like he’s been down the gym!

Many of the monster attacks are shot in a very similar fashion, with the suitmation actor (Brandon Wheeler) shoving the costume’s shark head against the current victim’s neck, as blood is pumped everywhere. Though the results are samey, they are bloody, and there’s the occasional disembowelment of a victim added to the mix too.

A cop gets ripped up!
A cop gets ripped up!
Counsellor Dr. Jan Lovnik (Olga N. Bogdanova) is disemboweled!
Counsellor Dr. Jan Lovnik (Olga N. Bogdanova) is disemboweled!

GRAVEYARD SHARK is, without a doubt, a shoddy, cheapo production, which leaps at any chance to include some nekkid flesh and includes a lot of crass ‘humorous’ chat about going down on mermaids. But the film does end with a fight between the rubbery Graveyard Shark and a fuzzy werewolf! Yes, you read that correctly: it turns out that Greg is actually a man-wolf! This monster suit showdown is slapdash and, of course, pretty enjoyable, with the werewolf costume’s yellow-green eyes glowing so brightly they sometimes look like twin torch beams shining in the mist! So I kinda liked this flick anyway – sue me!

Above: some shots from the film!
Above: some shots from the film!

Unwelcome (2022)

Starring Hannah John-Kamen, Douglas Booth, Colm Meaney, Kristian Nairn, Chris Walley, Niamh Cusack and Jamie-Lee O’Donnell. Written by Jon Wright and Mark Stay. Directed by Jon Wright. Produced by Piers Tempest, Peter Touche and Lauren Cox. Tempo Productions/Ingenious Media/Rococo Films

Poster
Poster
Jamie and Maya
Jamie and Maya

Several months after they suffer a violent home invasion incident in their inner city London apartment, young couple Maya (John-Kamen) and Jamie (Booth) eagerly move to a village in Ireland when Jamie inherits a house from his recently deceased aunt. To fix a hole in the roof, they hire the Whelan family building firm, but these four individuals prove to be a loutish, aggressive and strange bunch. To add to their woes, Maya and Jamie are informed by local landlady Maeve (Cusack) that their late aunt had believed in the ‘old ways’ and used to leave blood offerings at the bottom of her garden to appease the Little People… and Maeve emphasises that these creatures, also known as the Far Darrig or Redcaps, are not jolly little elves: they’re hungry and they’ll need feeding every day. Not wanting Maeve to be trespassing onto their land to continue this tradition, Maya promises that she will regularly leave a plate of raw liver near the garden gate… which leads into the vast woodland beyond, where a small, domed stone building lurks amongst the trees…

The forest lurks beyond the garden wall...
The forest awaits beyond the garden wall…
What lurks below?
What lurks below?

Hannah John-Kamen is on top form as the heavily pregnant Maya, nicely balancing her character’s varied emotions, ranging from happiness (especially when she discovers she’s pregnant), to fearfulness, to (when required) boldness, as she faces various challenges throughout the story. Douglas Booth, whether intentionally or not, comes across as rather irritating playing the pleasant-but-wimpy Jamie, who is always striving, but failing, to stand up to the bullies in his life. Niamh Cusack, as Maeve, manages to make her friendly warnings regarding the Redcaps come across as sincere and believable, and Colm Meaney seems to be having fun playing ‘Daddy’ Whelan, the rough patriarch  overseeing his obnoxious adult kids, who are all pretty weird but played straight by Chris Walley, Jamie-Lee O’Donnell and Kristian Nairn.

Daddy’ Whelan, Jamie and Maya
‘Daddy’ Whelan, Jamie and Maya

There’s a pleasant use of lush colours in the film, with cinematographer Hamish Doyne-Ditmas ensuring the surrounding countryside is verdantly green and the sun is always golden. The large garden seems to be a big indoor set most of the time, and this slight artificiality adds to the twisted fairytale look and feel of the production. 

The film features lots of yellowy golds and greens for its colour palette
The film features lots of yellowy golds and greens for its colour palette

Director Jon Wright, who also made the wonderful sci-fi-horror-comedy GRABBERS (2012), has described UNWELCOME as ‘GREMLINS meets STRAW DOGS’, and this production does, to a degree, fit this description, though it seems that Wright couldn’t quite make up his mind whether to make his film a gritty home invasion movie, or a horror movie, or a creature feature comedy. GRABBERS certainly balanced its horror and humour elements better, but UNWELCOME does prove to be an enjoyably watchable yarn. 

'Beware the locals. All of them.'
‘Beware the locals. All of them.’

The UK/Irish production holds back from showing the Redcaps till later in the tale and, when the Little People do make their appearance, the movie’s entertainment value really rockets skywards!

A Redcap!
A Redcap!

The sharp-nosed, pointy-eared, caped Redcaps are so much fun! They are violent, belly-slitting, dagger-throwing little buggers, but they’re also almost sweet somehow due to their interactions with each other. These Little People will help you out if you ask a favour… but you must pay a price! This last point, of course, leads to a finale in which Maya must prove herself to be really ruthless in order to get her child back.

A Redcap gets knocked onto a bed
A Redcap gets knocked onto a bed

The first time we see one of the Far Darrig properly is when one of the cowled critters lets itself into the house, walks over to Maya, and presents her with the severed head of a would-be rapist in a plastic bag. The lil’ Redcap in this scene looks great, thanks to the fact the wee fellow is obviously a fine example of the use of practical effects. Soon we get to see more of the Little People, and they all boast different facial features!

Lots of wee Redcaps!
Lots of wee Redcaps!

These superbly crafted Redcaps are played by short actors wearing costumes and latex masks. For a lot of the shots, this simple approach (which included the use of double-sized sets) is enough, with no VFX required. When one Redcap is hacked in the head with a cleaver, the filmmakers simply smash the cleaver into a puppet! But, when the Redcaps are required to talk, or to emote, the filmmakers replace the masks and use the minimum amount of 3D VFX possible. This approach, for me, looks far better than the use of CGI-only creatures: the in-camera effects and the post production digital VFX here work wonderfully together! And this all helps make the violent set piece showdown towards the end of the movie so memorable, when Maya (who ends up going into labour!) and Jamie take-on the psycho Whelan family in their home… and the Redcaps join the bloody skirmish too!

A Redcap is hacked in the head with a cleaver!
A Redcap is hacked in the head with a cleaver!

Perhaps UNWELCOME underplays the comedy a little, and it doesn’t quite hit the mark when it comes to the horror moments sometimes, but it is entertaining. And I really enjoyed the finale, which reaches an unexpectedly triumphant, strange & very exuberant climax! 

Above: four shots from the film
Above: four shots from the film

But, yeah, for me it is the excellent Redcaps (which remind me, design-wise, of the illustrations seen in the book Faeries by Brian Froud and Alan Lee) that help make the movie such a satisfying fantasy-horror picture!

'Break a promise, pay the price'
‘Break a promise, pay the price’

SOME BEHIND THE SCENES SHOTS.

The Prosthetics Studio, run by Shaune Harrison and Paula Anne Booker-Harrison, created the Redcap masks and other prosthetics for UNWELCOME. Take a look at these beauties…

Above: five shots of Redcap heads!
Above: five shots of Redcap heads!

Squirm (1976)

Worm-face!
Worm-face!
Arrow Video Blu-ray cover
Arrow Video Blu-ray cover

Starring Don Scardino, Patricia Pearcy, R.A. Dow, Jean Sullivan and Peter MacLean. Written and directed by Jeff Lieberman. Produced by Samuel Z. Arkoff, Joseph Beruh, Edgar Lansbury and George Manasse.

Lobby card
Lobby card

Downed power lines in Georgia turn bloodworms into killer critters that begin to chow down on the local rednecks!

He's full of worms!
He’s full of worms!
US one sheet
US one sheet
Japanese VHS sleeve
Japanese VHS sleeve

SQUIRM is a cool example of the 70s trend for eco-horror/animal attack movies. The two young leads (Scardino & Pearcy) are likeable and, between the worm scenes, they try to figure out the identity of a missing skeleton in a SCOOBY-DOO-style mystery-solving fashion.

Worm-alanche!
Worm-alanche!

There are lots of shots of real bloodworms, which look gross when filmed close-up: they really do resemble mini-monsters! In this movie these worms scream too! Yes! Screaming worms! And they like to dangle from the shower as well!

They're in the shower!
They’re in the shower!

There’s some fine early makeup work by Rick Baker to look out for (and Rob Bottin was an uncredited assistant makeup artist on this production too). The ‘worm-face’ scene is great, revelling in shots of a character who has bloodworms crawling beneath the skin of his face! He yanks at the worms, trying to pull them out! These are really neat-looking practical effects! Rick Baker really shows here that he was a makeup effects expert worth keeping an eye on.

Bloodworms beneath his skin!
Bloodworms beneath his skin!
Wigglin' worms!
Wigglin’ worms!

The ending is a nice merging of creepy house thriller & critter attack genres. It’s during this finale that the film comes up with its most impactful image; a man becoming submerged in a sea of worms that fill the room! If you don’t like worms you will not like this scene (or the movie)!

Lobby card
Lobby card

This is an enjoyable, wriggly, writhing, creepy-crawly, low budget, well-handled creatures-run-amok B movie that keeps you entertained throughout: it’s squirm-tastic!

Here are some posters…

UK quad poster. Art by John Stockle 
UK quad poster. Art by John Stockle 
Australian daybill
Australian daybill poster
US half sheet
US half sheet poster
Italian poster
Italian poster
German one sheet poster
German one sheet poster
A proposed design for a UK poster
A proposed design for a UK poster by artist Vic Fair
A second proposed design for a UK poster by artist Vic Fair. The actual UK SQUIRM poster was finally drawn by John Stockle
A second proposed design for a UK poster by artist Vic Fair. The actual UK SQUIRM poster was finally drawn by John Stockle
Japanese poster
Japanese poster

French poster
French poster

Let’s finish with a close-up shot of one of the bloodworms…

Yuck!
Yuck!

The Beast in the River (2023)

Cannons are fired into the river by Sheriff Hu to kill the creature, which he thinks is just a large fish...
Cannons are fired into the river by Sheriff Hu to kill the creature, which he thinks is just a large fish…

Starring Lim Youwei, Hong Siyang, Wang Tingwen, He Jiangfeng and Gao Shaowei. Written by Wu Weijuan and Zhu Zifa. Directed by Zhang Wei for New Studios Pictures/Shandong Harmony Pictures/Anhui Mengyu Pictures.

Single parent Gu Zhiyuan (Youwei) does low-paid dock work after leaving a life of crime, doing his best to raise his daughter Linglong (Tingwen). When a rampaging river monster comes ashore, causes havoc in the city of Tianjin, then abducts Linglong by snagging her with its tail (in a very similar way to what happens in the 2006 South Korean monster film THE HOST), Zhiyuan sets out to save his daughter.

The beast comes ashore to gobble up some of the townsfolk
The beast leaves the river to gobble up some of the townsfolk

Aided by his journalist sister-in-law Xiaowei (Siyang) and a couple of his friends, Zhiyuan discovers that Wu Xun, a senior doctor at the local children’s hospital, is the man responsible for creating the beast during experiments aimed, so he claims, at saving ill children’s lives. Wu says that he will help them capture the creature, which is using the extensive sewer systems below the city as its lair…

The critter climbs across a roof
The critter climbs across a roof

Lots of action takes place within the labyrinthine sewers, as Zhiyuen, armed with a trident, slashes the creature and leads the enraged beast into a trap, where it is ensnared in a chain net. But Zhiyuan is immediately betrayed by Wu, who is in league with local mob kingpin Master Kun. Wu doesn’t want the beast to be killed, which causes a rift with Master Kun, leading to a shootout in the sewers, enabling the creature to escape.

The toothy bugger roams the sewers
The toothy bugger roams the sewers

After some melodramatics following the death of his best pal, Zhiyuen is arrested on false charges by the Tianjin cops, but Xiaowei persuades the inept head policeman, Sheriff Hu, to let Zhiyuen walk free and hunt for the beast with his officers.

The usual dynamic promotional art
The usual dynamic promotional art

Zhiyuen and one of his buddies capture the creature in the sewers once more but, yet again, Wu intervenes, threatening to shoot the recently-saved Linglong if his beloved beast is hurt. The villainous Wu, you’ll be glad to find out, does meet a fitting, fiery end, though the monster still roams free. It chases Zhiyuen and Linglong to the nearby river landing, where a cops-vs-beast face-off occurs and grappling hooks are deployed to little effect, leaving it up to Zhiyuan to deal with the beast by ramming an explosive package beneath the critter’s skin with his trident, resulting in a downbeat ending as the hero sacrifices his life to take down the monster. Post-credits, however, we are shown Zhiyuan enjoying a meal with Linglong and Xiaowei, so he obviously did survive.

The cops snag the creature with grappling hooks…
The cops snag the creature with grappling hooks and shoot at it, but to no avail...
…and then the policemen shoot at it, but to no avail…
…so our hero stabs a bag of explosives into the critter’s skin…
...and he keeps on stabbing the explosives into the beast, which finally gets blown up
…and he keeps on stabbing the explosives into the beast, which finally gets blown up

The monster in this direct-to-streaming movie, set during the Republic of China period, is a dark-skinned, toothy-faced, quadrupedal, long-tailed amphibious creature with a small-ish neural spine sail. The critter comes across as an amalgamation of the thing from THE HOST with a body structure akin to a Ray Harryhausen stop-motion creation, although the overall look has an alien creature vibe to it too. Though not in the same league as THE HOST, the CGI is passable, the action is brisk, the monster has a decent amount of screen time, and there’s a final shot after the credits to set up a sequel, making this low budget flick an entertaining Chinese creature feature that’s worth checking out.

One final look at the creature...
One final look at the creature…