Tag Archives: movie-review

Graveyard Shark (2024)

January 31, 2025 Ken Miller Leave a comment

Stephanie Ward plays Abby the cryptid hunter

Starring Stephanie Ward, Michael John Gilbert, Berndele March, Ryan Santiago, Madisen Zabawa, Olivia Walton and Olga N. Bogdanova. Written and directed by Matthew A. Peters. Produced by Joe Cappelli, Avery Guerra, Ainslee Looman, Anthony Clark Pierce, Brandon Wheeler, Sifundo Nene and Brandon Wheeler.
Mad Angel Films

A toothy humanoid creature known as the Graveyard Shark is said to be responsible for the disappearances of various people in the backwater town of Willsboro Point. Abby Wescott (Ward), a wannabe cryptid hunter, is called in to uncover the bloody truth behind these events. Accompanied by her assistant Greg (Gilbert), Abby eventually teams-up with local oddball Captain Seyburn (March) and members of a Graveyard Shark survivors counselling group. Even though the local shades-wearing sheriff (Santiago) says that the Graveyard Shark is just some local folklore nonsense, the critter proves to be all too real when it bloodily attacks a busty, tattooed female deputy whilst she’s enjoying a sex session with her colleague near the latest crime scene! Abby and her allies finally face-off against the creature (one of the counselling group women actually gets it on with the brute!), and the identity of the person who has been secretly helping the blue-skinned beast is revealed…

Graveyard Shark stalks through the foliage

One of the characters strokes Graveyard Shark's abs... — One of the characters strokes Graveyard Shark’s abs…

GRAVEYARD SHARK is a movie that most definitely doesn’t take itself seriously. The folks behind this knew (I hope) what their limitations were, so they proceeded to deliver a film full of dumb humour, copious amounts of spraying blood, stupid dialogue, boobs and a big beast.

The hammer-headed mutant rips out a human heart!

The film’s lighting and cinematography is on par with the general acting quality, which is to say that it’s all strictly amateur hour level. And yet… the filmmakers are obviously having fun, and this adds to the viewing experience. So, when we get the creature’s origin story, we can be sure that it will be a really stupid, stupid, stupid (but fun) origin story! You see, this muscled monster is the result of a union between eccentric loner Captain Seyburn… and a mermaid of colour that Seyburn encountered in a swamp! The whole backstory is explained to Abby as she sits with Seyburn in a diner. Seyburn describes, with the help of flashbacks, how he met a ‘fine-ass mermaid’ and they had comical intercourse which seemed to consist of Seyburn just grinding his groin against the underside of the mermaid’s tail. As Seyburn climaxes in his flashback, the film cuts to a shot of him in the diner, pouring melted butter all over a cooked lobster. Subtle this ain’t!

Captain Seyburn (Berndele March) talks with Abby... — Captain Seyburn (Berndele March) talks with Abby…

...and he divulges what happened when he met a mermaid in a swamp — …and he divulges what happened when he met a mermaid in a swamp

Abby learns from Captain Seyburn that the mermaid had returned with a love child, asking him for money to raise their lil’ shark-headed nipper, but Seyburn killed the siren with a shovel instead, burying her and the baby in the cemetery. But, somehow, the tiny mutant shark had clung to life and now it dwells in the graveyard…

Don't trust this dude — Don’t trust this dude

This film really is a dumbass nonsense-fest, with such silly scenes as a dream sequence in which Abby gets high and romps in bed with a bigfoot, who is actually Greg in a costume. But I felt compelled to keep watching anyway, in large part because the movie’s titular monster is brought to the screen via the old school method of using a monster suit!

The Graveyard Shark creature has a buff, musclebound humanoid body that is topped with a toothy hammerhead shark face! I’m just a sucker for practical effects creatures, even when it is a cartoony, cheesy-but-cool costume like this one! This hammer-headed fishy freak, designed by Anthony Clark Pierce, is far preferable to the sub-par CGI effects seen in most low-price b-movies of a similar budget, that’s for sure.

This monster looks like he's been down the gym! — This monster looks like he’s been down the gym!

Many of the monster attacks are shot in a very similar fashion, with the suitmation actor (Brandon Wheeler) shoving the costume’s shark head against the current victim’s neck, as blood is pumped everywhere. Though the results are samey, they are bloody, and there’s the occasional disembowelment of a victim added to the mix too.

Counsellor Dr. Jan Lovnik (Olga N. Bogdanova) is disemboweled!

GRAVEYARD SHARK is, without a doubt, a shoddy, cheapo production, which leaps at any chance to include some nekkid flesh and includes a lot of crass ‘humorous’ chat about going down on mermaids. But the film does end with a fight between the rubbery Graveyard Shark and a fuzzy werewolf! Yes, you read that correctly: it turns out that Greg is actually a man-wolf! This monster suit showdown is slapdash and, of course, pretty enjoyable, with the werewolf costume’s yellow-green eyes glowing so brightly they sometimes look like twin torch beams shining in the mist! So I kinda liked this flick anyway – sue me!

Moloch (2022)

December 11, 2024 Ken Miller Leave a comment

'Family can haunt you forever' — ‘Family can haunt you forever’

Starring Sallie Harmsen, Alexandre Willaume, Anneke Blok, Fred Goessens, Noor van der Velden and Markoesa Hamer. Written by Nico van den Brink and Daan Bakker. Directed by Nico van den Brink. Produced by Sabine Brian and Dennis Cornelisse. NL Film/Vrijzinnig Protestantse Radio Omroep (VPRO)

Betriek (Sallie Harmsen) and her mother become embroiled in supernatural events

Betriek (Harmsen) lives in an area close to the edge of ancient bogland. Her family has suffered from a history of tragedies, and Betriek starts to suspect that the deaths of her relatives are somehow linked to the local legend concerning a wronged servant called Feike who made a pact with the demon Moloch – or maybe the preserved female corpses recently discovered in the nearby peat deposits are part of the puzzle…

This Dutch movie uses its often foggy and gloomy swampy locations effectively, and employs the archeological dig aspects of the plotline to inject extra mystery into the story.

Matters become more intriguing once various normal people are somehow compelled to become would-be killers, attacking Betriek and her mother in trance-like states.

Betriek's mother is attacked by a possessed person — Betriek’s mother is attacked by a possessed person

With mask-wearing cultists lurking about, and the spirits of murdered women emerging from the misty peat bog, the answer to the movie’s central enigma is finally revealed, and – even though it doesn’t properly explain the behaviours of the possessed would-be assassins or clarify if there is a causal link between the supernatural plot elements and the local pagan folks – the finale does give viewers a suitably striking set piece ending to remember.

The acting is fine, the cinematography is good, the local cultists in their bull masks look cool, and the slit-throated sacrificial bog bodies provide the movie with some memorable imagery.

Above: two shots showing the atmospheric photography of the house in the film

You know, the more I think about it, the more I come to believe that any film featuring bog bodies is worth a watch!

Jurassic Revival (2022)

January 16, 2024 Ken Miller Leave a comment

Armed team members shoot at the massive snake!

Starring Ma Xinyu, Feng Qilong, Yang Qiyu, Shen Yunzhong and Qiao Yaona, written by Li Wei, directed by Zhao Cong and produced by Xu Yawei.

Okay, I know I often say this, but here I go again: If only the movie was as good as this promo artwork — Okay, I know I often say this, but here I go again: *If only the movie was as good as this promo artwork!*

This begins in the 1980s, on a newly-discovered island (the ghost island), where we see a T-Rex attack the researchers and guards at an encampment. Loads of bullets are fired at this T-Rex, but it keeps on attacking, and even dynamite does little to slow it down. One particular scientist is shown running about, clutching a dinosaur egg, and then the story skips to the present day (as stories often do in these flicks), and we’re introduced to Zhao (Xinyu), the daughter of the guy-with-the-egg seen in the prologue. Zhao is asked by the despicable Mr Du (Qiyu) to accompany him and his team on a new mission to ghost island, the location of which he has rediscovered by comparing cloud formations on photographs taken at different times (a rip-off of an idea used in the 1976 version of KING KONG). Against her better judgement, Zhao goes with Mr Du and his armed goons to the island. Other team members include Laka, a dreadlocked demolition expert, Sangji, a survival expert, and Yuzi, an attractive, stony-faced, gun-toting she-merc who likes to wear snug-fitting shorts.

Yuzi doesn't like to smile — Yuzi doesn’t like to smile

Once on ghost island, a member of the group coughs-up blood and dies after a bug flies into his mouth (but these wasp-like bugs are never encountered again), and then a super-gigantic cobra goes on the offensive (of course there’s a huge snake in this movie: Chinese creature features just LOVE to include giant snakes if they get the chance!)

The team are unable to kill this huge serpent with all their firepower, and are fortunately saved when a carnosaur rocks up and quickly bites the cobra in two! The team get away from the reddish-brown predatory dino, which will turn up again later.

The big cobra and the huge carnosaur roar at each other!

An encounter with Velociraptors in an area of long grass happens next, and it is handled pretty well. There’s even a decent-looking full scale raptor prop head used in this sequence, as well as a full-body raptor costume.

The practical effects raptor head looks pretty damn good

The characters eventually reach the island’s open plains, which is populated by Stegosaurs, Triceratops, sauropods, pterosaurs, and other dinos.

All dinosaur movies should include shots of a big skeleton at some point. This movie does just that, so I am pleased!

The quality of the special effects does vary throughout the film, with some of it looking particularly weak. One such example of low quality FX is the reddish-brown carnivore (which we saw kill the cobra earlier) that now reenters the story. This critter moves about with a clunky, awkward gait that is not of a very high standard, effects-wise. But a T-Rex that shows up at this point, with Zhao’s wild-haired father riding on its back, is a better example of the CGI, boasting a more impactful body design and good skin texture details. It turns out that Zhao’s dad has raised this T-Rex from the egg he was carrying about, and now the dino is his loyal pet! This is a fun, goofy idea, but the filmmakers waste the opportunity to show lots of dino-riding action, and simply have the dad tell the T-Rex to chill out while he joins the team, as Mr Du searches for a special meteorite.

The wild-haired father's pet T-Rex is hurt after a fight... — The wild-haired father’s pet T-Rex is hurt after a fight with the reddish-brown carnosaur…

...but it gets back up — …but it gets back up: the pet T-Rex is okay, folks! Yay!

The explorers reach a hot, volcanic landscape, dotted with jets of flame, which is the location of the meteorite. Mr Du wants to blow this hunk of rock up (presumably because it contains valuable minerals), but Zhao’s father says that the meteorite’s magnetic field is related to the life of the entire island, so if the rock gets destroyed every living thing on the isle will perish. So, after a raptor attack, the team members inevitably split into two factions, as some try to protect the meteorite, and others attempt to blow it up.

The orange-hued, fiery zone, where this finale takes place, is quite stylised and theatrical-looking, exuding a more fantastical, cinematic vibe (compared to the naturalistic locations used elsewhere), and it definitely suits the pulpy requirements of this lost world film. So it’s a shame that it is used as the setting for a protracted hostage standoff situation, with Mr Du holding Zhao at knifepoint, which is all rather anticlimactic. We do get to see the pet T-Rex again, though, at the very end, as the survivors wait on the beach to be rescued.

Chillin' on the beach with the pet T-Rex — Chillin’ on the beach with the pet T-Rex

As the film fades to black, some copy informs us that Laka, Zhao and Sangji were sentenced to six years in prison for breaking the local law. But could someone please answer this question for me: how the hell does a lost, prehistoric island happen to have its own local law?!

Chinese monster movies like to include Asian Lara Croft-types in their stories!

Devoted to every kind of movie and TV monster, from King Kong to Godzilla, from the Blob to Alien. Plus monsters from other media too, including books and comics.